poop.

I seriously am defective or something. I have so much schoolwork to do and I haven't been working on it at all. I hate living here. I want to move so bad to somewhere I won't have to constantly be near other people and where no one has snide things to say about what I eat. Last night when I made myself dinner there was probably like ten comments of 'is that seeeriously all your going to eat?' with disgusted looks. Sorry I don't want to eat hamburger helper, or growagiantass helper, as I call it. I would never eat Hamburger helper anyway...its disgusting and sweaty.
The biggest problem though, is that there is seriously no space, my room is the size of a shoebox and more than that, I have NOWHEREEE to study there.

I seriously need to stop being so bad with my schoolwork. I usually get A's and now I'm getting C+'s. WTF. STOP BEING A BUM!

You have to start somewhere..right?

I think its sort of funny how cyclical this process always is, and how there is always something that feels good about a beginning. Probably because I haven't fucked it up yet.

I am trying to really think about what I need to get out..but I have the hiccups! grrrrr!

Soooo back to another start, and hopefully this one will take me further than the last one. One thing that is suuuuper awkward is my living arrangement. I could write a novel about the insanity of this actually mentally ill old woman who bought my apartment from my old landlord, and after having to get police protection from her, I ended up having to stay with friends while I save up money for a new place. This fucking crazy bitch stole my home from me. But I'm over it now...hah. Anywhooooo, my friends that I'm staying with have a very family oriented environment and the mom makes dinner, and always puts out huge portions of really bad foods and today is the day I'm making myself a bowl of lettuce and saying thats all I want. blehhhh awkwardness.

wish me luck dolls :) Have an excellent night!

WTFFFFFF

I hate feeling so fucking awful constantly. I hate feeling so self-concious and just constantly walking around trying my hardest to be invisible and just fade away because I think that everyone who looks at me hates me for being such a cow. I think everyone is constantly disgusted by me, and I wish I could disappear so they wouldn't have to look at me. How fucked up is that? I always wonder if everyone thinks things like that...if they break down after not eating for two days and eat 40 dollars worth of fast food in literally fifteen minutes. I hate this, and at the same time, I am ashamed and sad that I don't try harder. I am so sick of this....I need to try harder.