black friday

working in retail sucks.  But today especially.  I had to go into work at 6 am and the parking lot was already completely full! wtf! Where do these crazy people come from?  So far I have been doing really well this week with food, but not so well with exercising.  I love running, but I live in the city and well, running in the city is pointless for me.  I hate that there is no where to run where I'm not almost hit by a car everytime, and that I hate to run at night because its too dangerous and most of all I hate working out in front of hundreds of people.  :(  Buttttt the silver lining of this cloud is that even though I have been working way more than I usually do(so that I can afford tuition), because I'm a full time student my mom can put me on her gym membership for cheap! :) yay yay yay! Working out in a gym is so much better!  Plus, I arranged my schedule, so that I will have an extra two hours before school which will be my non-negotiable gym time everyday! :)  I can't stop happy facing! hahaha..but really I'm super excited for all of this.  

Alsoooooo I am taking a nutrition class, which is a prereq for a lot of the other classes I have to take, but I am just so worried that we will have to say how much we weigh. :( sad face now haha.  I am excited for all the meal planning and stuff, but not when it comes to actually saying what I'm eating.  I feel like I'm going to be doing my real food log and my one for school. 

Hey everyone! :)

Ugh. so its been super long since I've posted anything or caught up on all the blogs I subscribe too. Its kind of nice that I have a big long reading list ahead of me tho! :) I could definitely use some distractions.
So. The reason why I was on a super long hiatus is because I had to have my cat put to sleep that I've had since I was like 12. It wasn't like a family pet, it was my cat. So basically I was super depressed for the past two weeks. :( It was so awful. I absolutely HATE crying in front of other people so I would just do the bare minimum for conversations and all because I seriously can't talk about my problems or think about them because I hate myself so much everytime I cry in public. Then every night I would sob uncontrollably for like two hours until I passed out from exhaustion. I'm crying now. hah. I miss her so much :( My other cat is so sad and keeps laying in her spots and crying and I'm just now turning back into a human from being a huge ball of mush.

I haven't even weighed myself or really watched what I ate for those two weeks and I'm super scared to see my weight, but also excited to get back on track.
I feel like I new to get a whole new start tho, so what I am planning today is to clean my apartment, and do all the laundry. Theennnnn I will read all of the blogs that I missed so very much and write out some new meal plans and look up some new excersize routines and use the new bike my bf just got! haha...it will be miiine!

Sorry for this being a little sad, and I promise to catch up!

Oh and this is weird, but it totally knocked me out of my coma, and its never been this strong before but I was driving home from work and my bf asked me to pick up taco bell for him, and when I was like ten blocks from my apartment it was like this voice that was clear as a bell was like, "so you know you're not going to eat that right? You can't ignore me forever, and you need to get back on track." And I know this sounds like completely insane but I was so happy to have a drive back to keep going. weeeiiiirrrrrd! :)

So I've been bad...

about not posting, you guttermind! hah...I've also been bad with b/p stuff on monday...so terrible :( But at least I didn't gain from it. I am still super stuck at 196. ughhh. I can remember being stuck here before. Then at 184. I have been working out for like two hours a day and eating seriously nothing. fuck this ughhhhh. I want so badly to be down to at least 194 for halloween. I hate looking at those numbers, I am so ashamed. :(
I have had a loooong weekend as I dont have to go back to work until tomorrow, but my boss was being kind of creepy the last time I was there, telling me that he feels bad for cheating on his wife and I was just like...oh. Can I go now? I don't understand it, maybe because I am so fat they think of me in that way so it makes me confidable? I don't know. I hate working at that stupid store in general, retail sucks. I can't wait to start school again, so hopefully I can pull the money together in the next few weeks to sign up for new classes. urrghhh. I say that too much hahahaha

Hope you all are having lovely days! :)

Don't give up what you want most for what you want for one moment

So its friday morning. Tonight my friends and I are going to a haunted house. Which I like, but I know when I'm in there I'm going to be freaking out. I fasted all day yesterday too, except for in the afternoon I was pretty close to passing out, so I ate half an apple. Then I couldn't get out of dinner with my mom and sister so I had a bowl of soup and half a biscuit. And last weekend I just know that my sister knew I was purging, so I couldn't do it last night. :/ Its probably for the best though, because I feel like I'm hitting a plateau. Its funny, I am so mad at myself for eating what actually was a very small meal, but I felt like I engulfed an entire supermarket. hah. Then, because I was worried I'm plateauing, I worked out for an extra 45 min and now my legs feel like jelly. But its nice.

I really like this quote: "Don't give up what you want most for what you want for one moment."

But I feel more like, "If people knew I am almost passing out because I eat under 300 cal a day, they would wonder, well why are you so fucking fat then?" ughhhhh. I've just got to keep on truckin I suppose.

Have a great day everybody...Thanks for all of your sweet comments, and for following!!! :)

I shouldn't let it get to me...

not much new..just working and all that...I fasted for the last two days, and I was down to 195 yesterday, but then when I weighed myself this morning I was at 200 again and I literally cried for like twenty minutes. ughhh. Just water weight, I suppose? But still, it freaks me out and scares me. I am so embarrassed by myself. I let myself go so bad. I have been with my bf for two years, and I got super depressed last spring and I would just eat whenever he ate, and now its like I'm a fucking parade float.
Not to mention all of these super thin girls hit on him all the time. He is so sweet tho, he doesn't even pay attention to them, and I know that he loves me, and I trust him completely, but last night he told me that one of them said he could do so much better than me. I seriously saw red and wanted blood, but also I feel super depressed by it. I know that I'm fat as shit, but I'm not terrible looking in the head. ughhhh. I seriously just want to punch this stupid girl in the face, but she lives like three states away. WTF. I hate catty bitches. I am going to think about that today while I'm running hah. I will be thin again dammit!!!!

Insomnia...fun.

Ugh. Sooo. I totally can't sleep. I hate that. On the bright side, I stay up late reading all these blogs, so then I sleep in the next day which usually eliminates breakfast and lunchtime which is nice, then a tea for dinner and I'm set. I was supppppposed to fast today, but I am completely weak so I ended up eating a small salad for dinner because I felt super faint. :/
My bf and I got in a fight, well...He got super mad and took it out on me, but I'm not the sort of person who argues, I just take it and end up sitting in front of the mirror trying to pull all of my disgusting fat off(I wish it was that easy!) I really have always been the kind of person who would rather not say anything than get in a fight with someone I love, and it seems like that makes it easier for people to yell at me. I don't think they realize that it all just goes into my already prevalent self hate mantras.
That sounds so...melodramatic, so I'm sorry haha...still. Its kind of sick, but I like being unhappy because it makes fasting so much easier. for me at leasttt.
I seriously can't believe I let myself get this fat and disgusting. :( I hate feeling like there is cement jello pasted all over my body. I will NOT eat tomorrow. nonononononononono. Good luck everyone! :)

Weekend recap

Hey guys. 

This weekend is going pretty well so far.  On friday my bf and I went to my friends house, but then some other people there started doing drugs so we left.  I was supposed to see where the wild things are originally, but we ended up walking around looking for a pizza shop because we didn't want to be around the drug stuff.  I was soooo good.  All of these pizzas were staring at me saying eat me, eat me...But I just had a Diet Coke :)  

Saturday I went out to buy fabric for my halloween costume.  I'm gonna be a princess, which..Idk. I have mixed feelings about.  Like maybe its too general? But I like princess stuff so I don't even care.  It will be nice.  Although, as you can probably tell from my thinspo, I am more like a tattooed pierced punk/metal/rockabilly kind of girl.  Still though, I like princesses and magical forests and stuff like that too! :)  So saturday night I ended up eating 2 motz. sticks and half a burger so I fucking HATED myself all night, but then I thought about my overall intake for the weekend, and really it could have been much worse.   But still....I seriously have no self control.  If I wanted to see the scale go down, then why would I eat a greasy disgusting fat pile?  ughhh. :(  Anywhoo..I saw Zombieland, which I thought might be like stupid humor, but was actually reallly reaaaallllly good. 

some new thinspo...

Just woke up, had to put the trash out.  Now I'm trying to keep busy so I won't stuff my fat face.  I have to go to the bank soon, so until then I will post some new pics for thinspo :)

thursday.

Today went really well, and I thought before I wasn't going to write my weight until I get down again, because its SO embarrassing.  But I don't know anyone on here so I might as well be honest.  I am at my highest weight ever and I completely hate myself for letting myself go this much.  I have always gone back and forth, but never this bad. I gave into eating whatever I want and just avoided reflective surfaces and would tell myself that i wasn't that bad.  But it is.  I am 40 pounds heavier than when I met my boyfriend, and even back then I was unhappy with my weight.  So, about a month ago I just couldn't take it anymore and I am back on track! :)  

Anyway, so my highest weight was 216. I hate typing that. grosssssss.  But as of today I am officially back under 200! :) 198 all day.  I was so happy I didn't even eat anything at all! :)  

Its so much easier when I am busy and I can put my mind to my tasks.  I like getting super involved at work and now I am cleaning up the house, which actually is super fun to me. 

I love how after you get a few new cleaning supplies you feel like you could clean every inch of  your house.  I usually get about 3/4 of the way through until I get distracted haha.  

I wish...

I wishhhh I could keep blogging and not have to go to work! :)

so. first post.

I don't really know why I am starting my own blog, I guess because I get a lot of inspiration from reading others posts. And, as I think I said in the description, I used to keep a handwritten journal, but it seems like I can't keep that secret, and I want a more generalized recollection........not just these pages and pages of self-loathing and food obsession. Not that I'm not going to write about those things here probably. hah. Either way, I am EDNOS, and although I don't condone ed's, I am not going to stop restricting and all that. I let myself go and now I am more unhappy than I have ever been in my life.

More than that, I don't know. maybe its denial, but I don't think I have a disorder. I know when I look better, and I can feel all of this fat stuffed inside my skin. I am unhealthy and weighed down and I hate it. I lost my control and I need to get it back. I will get it back!